A thought exercise

Imagine one of your dearest friends reaching out to you and sharing that they’re struggling; things have been difficult lately, and they’re having a really hard time coping. Spend a moment imagining how you would respond.

Maybe you feel a warmth toward your friend, a desire to comfort them and to reassure them. Maybe you feel an eagerness to remind your friend how challenging this season has been or that you know they’ve been doing their best. Maybe you want to let them know they’re not alone.

Just notice your response to your friend, and hold onto it.

Myths and misgivings

Last month, I wrote about making room for the seemingly disparate parts of our messy, beautiful, imperfect lives and summers. And I encouraged people to offer themselves compassion and gentleness in the process. I heard from a number of readers about ideas I shared that really resonated with them. I also heard some opposition to my suggestion that people be more compassionate and gentle with themselves. It was met with the suggestion that rather than becoming more gentle or compassionate, some folks actually need to become harder on themselves so they get some things done.

Sometimes we do need to hold our own feet to the proverbial fire to meet a deadline or get something done—which isn’t at odds with self-compassion. This got me thinking. I started to mull over the common misgivings and misconceptions we have about self-compassion. I know many people are skeptical when they first hear about self-compassion. They imagine it as a kind of self-indulgence that opposes discipline and makes for selfish people who avoid responsibility and excuse bad behaviour. Or as a sort of deep self-pity where people just let themselves off the hook for everything in their lives.

The reality of self-compassion, both as a psychological concept and as a practice is, actually, quite the opposite.

I know many people are skeptical when they first hear about self-compassion. They imagine it as a kind of self-indulgence that opposes discipline and makes for selfish people who avoid responsibility and excuse bad behaviour. Or as a sort of deep self-pity where people just let themselves off the hook for everything in their lives. The reality of self-compassion, both as a psychological concept and as a practice is, actually, quite the opposite.

What is self-compassion?

According to Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Chris Germer, pioneering researchers in the field, self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer to a close friend in times of difficulty. “Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Derived from Latin, the term refers to how we’re with (com) suffering (passion).” (Neff)

Accordion to Neff and Germer, self-compassion involves three core components:

1. Self-kindness: being warm and understanding toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical.
2. Common humanity: recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, which helps us to feel connected rather than isolated when things go wrong.
3. Mindfulness: being aware of our thoughts and feelings without becoming overly identified with them. Maintaining a more balanced perspective rather than getting lost in negativity or self-judgement.

To go deeper, self-compassion means “being supportive when you’re facing a life challenge, feel inadequate, or make a mistake. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality or getting carried away by your negative thoughts and emotions, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now. How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?” (Neff).

Different from self-esteem, which often relies on external validation or comparisons with others, self-compassion offers a more stable sense of self-worth that’s based on unconditional self-acceptance. The practice of self-compassion encourages us to acknowledge our suffering without self-pity and to motivate ourselves with kindness rather than criticism.

To be compassionate toward ourselves means we recognize that we, too, are human beings who make mistakes and who deserve love and care, even when we fail or fall short.

The practice of self-compassion encourages us to acknowledge our suffering without self-pity and to motivate ourselves with kindness rather than criticism.

Some reasons we resist it

Self-compassion doesn't come naturally for many of us.

Think back to the exercise we did at the start. Now imagine offering yourself, in the midst of suffering or struggle, the same kind of compassion and warmth you imagined offering your friend.

For Gen Xers who grew up in the 80s, it may be especially difficult. As surely as we believed shoulder pads made us look powerful, we believed self-criticism—being consistently tough on ourselves—was the key to achieving success and happiness. And when you’ve practised a habit and held a belief for decades, it’s natural to feel resistance to something that challenges it.

The fear at the heart of self-criticism

When a person practises self-criticism, it's as if they have, living in their mind, a cynical bystander looking down their nose at someone else, hunting for flaws, missed opportunities, and flat-out failure, only that "someone else" is themselves. This practice leans on drumming up fear as its primary driver for positive change.

When we criticise ourselves frequently, we might pursue goals but we often do so out of a fear of failure and a drive to prove our value and worth. This kind of motivation is often rooted in a fear of not being good enough, rather than in a genuine desire to grow or improve. This fear often prevents us from taking bigger risks or trying new things, which can keep us from challenging ourselves in fresh ways or pursuing opportunities to learn and grow.
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The invitation of self-compassion

In contrast, when we frequently approach ourselves with compassion in the midst of struggle, we nurture a belief that we have intrinsic worth and value. We can then see our motivation begin to shift away from the fear of failure and toward a place of love. We can see it begin to move away from a drive to prove our worth and toward a desire to grow, learn, create and contribute in new, more authentic, and meaningful ways.

On self-compassion and productivity

So, is it true that some people will get more things done if they’re harder on themselves?  Will we become lazy or less productive if we become more compassionate toward ourselves? The research bears out time and again that practising self-compassion makes us more productive - not less - than practising self-criticism.

In her 2021 Harvard Business Review article, Stop Being So Hard on Yourself, Melody Wilding writes that those who have come to rely on self-criticism as a form of motivation hope that “if they’re tough enough on themselves, they’ll be compelled to perform. But research shows that self-criticism is a poor strategy. When used excessively, it is consistently associated with less motivation, worse self-control, and greater procrastination. In fact, self-criticism shifts the brain into a state of inhibition, which prevents you from taking action to reach your goals.” (May 31, 2021)

Self-compassion is not only a more effective motivator than self-criticism, but it is also associated with a wide range of positive outcomes, including greater emotional well-being, resilience, and life satisfaction, a deeper sense of belonging and connectedness with others.

“People with self-compassion still want to achieve the same goals,” says Dr. Neff. “Not because we'll think less of ourselves if we don't, but because we care about ourselves and want to get the most out of ourselves. So the bar is just as high. The only difference is that you don't run yourself down if you make a mistake, so you're less afraid to fail." (Happinez International, 2020)

“People with self-compassion still want to achieve the same goals,” says Dr. Neff. “Not because we'll think less of ourselves if we don't, but because we care about ourselves and want to get the most out of ourselves. So the bar is just as high. The only difference is that you don't run yourself down if you make a mistake, so you're less afraid to fail." (Happinez International, 2020)

In fact, research shows that people who are self-compassionate are more likely to take personal responsibility for their mistakes than those who are self-critical, and are also “more likely to pick themselves up again and work towards new goals.” (Neff)

Keep the main thing the main thing

The primary goal of self-compassion is to offer yourself genuine support and understanding. This can, in turn, lead toward greater well-being and achievement. But Germer and Neff caution against using self-compassion as a tool solely for boosting productivity. They stress that the focus of practising self-compassion should remain on caring for ourselves rather than on increasing productivity, which can undermine its true purpose.

Germer and Neff caution against using self-compassion as a tool solely for boosting productivity. They stress that the focus of practising self-compassion should remain on caring for ourselves rather than on increasing productivity, which can undermine its true purpose.

New thinking

Making a transition away from habitual self-criticism and toward greater self-compassion can feel like a daunting task, especially if you’ve spent years—even decades—being your toughest critic. Your first instinct may even be to criticise yourself for having wasted so much time being hard on yourself. But as Albert Einstein said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

If this is you, remember you’ve been doing the best you could with the tools you had, and that you are not alone. As Neff notes, “Try to feel compassion for how difficult it is to be an imperfect human being in this extremely competitive society of ours. Our culture does not emphasise self-compassion, quite the opposite. We’re told that no matter how hard we try, our best just isn’t good enough.”

The work of our second half

Embracing self-compassion at all may feel like a weird and radical departure from how you’ve been taught to approach life. It may feel really uncomfortable and unfamiliar. That’s fair.

The second half of life is a time to unpack and question the values and beliefs that have guided us, as well as the tools and coping skills we’ve acquired up to this point. We get to let go of what no longer works. And we get to explore new ways of relating to ourselves and the world around us.

By moving away from self-criticism and toward a more compassionate approach to ourselves, we acknowledge that we are worthy of love and care, not because of what we achieve or how we measure up to others, but simply because we are human.

In the end, self-compassion is not about lowering our standards or giving up on our goals. It’s about approaching ourselves with the kindness and understanding we need and deserve. In practising self-compassion, we may just find the motivation, resilience, and peace we’ve been searching for all along.