I remember doing the math while lying in bed one quiet weekend morning. When I turned 50—my daughters would be 14 and 16 years of age. Of course, at that point, the girls were barely out of diapers. It was a far-off eventuality that my younger self couldn’t quite wrap her head around.
Now I’m 54. At the end of June my “baby” graduated high school and by the time you read this, her older sister will have entered her twenties. Technically speaking, I no longer have children; in the eyes of most institutions my girls are legal adults who do not require parental consent to get a tattoo, rent a hotel room, vote or legally drink alcohol in three Canadian provinces.
Logically, I knew their move into adulthood would cause a shift in our relationships. Practically, I had no idea what the changes would look like or where the pitfalls would be.
The big pause
In our family, things have resumed a normal tempo of busy and routine chaos. And yet… I find that the effects of the pandemic “pause” are still echoing in our parenting decisions. Recent memories of all that we (and our kids) couldn’t do have reframed teenage issues and conflicts. We are grateful that our girls have the opportunity to have adventures, make mistakes and benefit from all the learning that happens along the way.
We want our children to launch, to gain independence and think for themselves, but the stepping stones down that path are slippery and at times we’ve struggled to keep our footing.
Things like prom all-nighters, solo driving adventures to distant cottages and plans to travel abroad seem like the logical recovery of all that COVID-19 threatened. We want our children to launch, to gain independence and think for themselves, but the stepping stones down that path are slippery and at times we’ve struggled to keep our footing.
Fast forward
Our girls have always been told how much they look alike and, with less than two years between them, they have journeyed through school and the stages of child-adolescent-teenager in close tandem. But, as it often is with siblings, their temperaments couldn’t be more different. And, the arrival of COVID-19 at the end of their Grade 8 and Grade 10 years also paused (in fact, almost eliminated) many of the normal teenage transition points.
Who needs to talk about curfews or dating protocols when everyone is masked and only allowed to meet outdoors? Delays in driver training took care of the problem of “who gets the car.” For many months our family unit had to rely only on each other. The balancing of friend time with family time was a non-issue. As a result, by the time pandemic restrictions relaxed, we had hopscotched from having young teens to baby adults with not much time in between.
Many of my friends share my confusion. How did we go from weekly family movie nights to not being able to get everyone in front of our favourite Netflix show? How did the “sleepover” conversation morph from best friends to boyfriends? When did the subject of tattoos and piercings become less about permission and more about design preference? How do you handle it when your house has four “adults” with very different sleep schedules? And the hardest one for me—how do you accept that family vacations will never be organized in the same way they once were?
I’m new at this and I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers but here are a few early learnings that I am passing on to you.
First, family members aren’t roommates and the rules of living at home are not the same as the rules when you’re away at school.
“But while we have no control over time itself, we do have a choice in how we orient to it, how we inhabit the moment, how we own the past and open to the future - a choice that shapes our entire experience of life, that ossuary of time. And just as it bears remembering that there are infinitely many kinds of beautiful lives, it bears remembering that there are infinitely many ways of being in time.” - Maria Popova, The Marginalian
Change of environment
I put on my ski gear, and pull my boot bag up on my back. Covered head to toe, I step outside. My skis are perched on my left shoulder, and my poles are in my right hand. I walk carefully down the snowy path and up through the village to the lift. It’s a sacred ten minutes of meditative rhythmic walking to warm me up for the day ahead.
New snow has fallen – about twenty centimetres. The snow cats have groomed the mountain during the night. It’s early and I'll be on the first lift up to the slopes.
This is the change of environment I crave the most at this time in my life. The movement from posed stability to energetic vulnerability, from the familiar to the serendipitous unknown, from the routine to the spontaneous. Here on the mountain I feel like I live life to its fullest. I feel more alive here than anywhere else. Curiosity is my catalyst — I could rest today, I could contemplate other days gone by, but I'm curious: What will the snow be like? What will my balance and form be like? What shapes of clouds will appear? What breeze will freeze my nose? Where will the trail take me? It is ski season; adventurous, mysterious and invigorating. It provides another form of lifestyle filled with the sort of vulnerability I love.
Of course everyone knows that change is constant, but there is nowhere else in the world where I see, feel, hear, touch and taste this truth more clearly than here on the side of my favourite mountain.
This magic mountain that I've skied for years and years changes all the time. It's ironic really, as it is made of stone and rock, ice and dirt - elements so strong and stable, so unmoving and unbudgeable, so unforgiving and invincible, yet it is forever changing. Of course everyone knows that change is constant, but there is nowhere else in the world where I see, feel, hear, touch and taste this truth more clearly than here on the side of my favourite mountain. Such a curious phenomenon — this alpine environment that moves and changes constantly, just like me. The weather forecast looks good today, colder than yesterday, but mostly sunny in the morning with the wind rising in the afternoon. Of course, this could change too.
Letting change flow
Arriving at the base of the mountain, I put on my ski boots, tuck my shoes away for the day, and once again perch my skis on my shoulder. I use my poles to help me navigate the steps up to the gates; it’s the beginning of the season and this morning routine of getting to the lifts still has me feeling a bit winded as I get used to the altitude. My friend is waiting for me. She and I smile brightly at each other and, seconds later, the buzzer goes off and the gates are activated. We are the first ones through, proud of ourselves for our early rising and excited to experience the thrill of another ski day together. We banter about the beautiful day ahead, our slight aches and pains and need for some stretching.
My friend is confident and bold — an expert skier. Me, I am not as confident and I am no expert. But I am bold, and she inspires me. Most of all, I am grateful for the change of scenery, communing with nature and the joy of being together again on the mountain.
Tensing up in anticipation of a coming bump or turn will surely cause a fall. The key to serenity on skis is letting change flow, becoming one with the change, and then being the change.
As we descend each run at our own pace, our skis pushing us beyond our unique comfort zones, we each experience individualized moments in the quiet rhythm of skiing. Every day on the slope is different, every turn of every carve into the snow is different, at times smooth and other times choppy. At all times, our minds must stay connected to our bodies. It is invigorating and mystifying, as we must disconnect from all worries and all other actions and stay absolutely present. Tensing up in anticipation of a coming bump or turn will surely cause a fall. The key to serenity on skis is letting change flow, becoming one with the change, and then being the change.
After a few hours of skiing our favourite trails, I tell my friend I want to stop at a lookout spot, not because I’m tired but because I want to breathe in my surroundings. She says she’ll let me have a bit of alone time and we decide she’ll do another run and meet me back here. The sky is vast and filled with a multitude of blue hues, the clouds are fantastical and bright white. The fresh cold air is thinner up here; it smells minty as it passes through my nostrils and it tastes minerally as it drips down my throat. The steam rises from my scarf as I breathe in and out, feeling the warmth of my body. This change of environment is essential to my well-being. It’s not just any change of environment though.
Chrono-diversity
It’s being up at altitude that thrills me most. The physicist Carlo Rovelli in his book “The Order of Time” captures the essence of my pause at the lookout spot. He writes,
“I stop and do nothing. Nothing happens. I am thinking about nothing. I listen to the passing of time. This is time, familiar and intimate. We are taken by it…. Our being is being in time.”
I lived and worked in this village just below the slopes for ten years, all through my thirties, and now that I am retired, I return here as much as possible. Initially when I moved away, down to sea level and no longer at altitude, it took me a long time to adjust and to adapt to being in a different time zone, but not just a different chronometric time zone, but a different “chrono-atmospheric” time zone.
I am fascinated by the way Rovelli explains how altitude changes time. He writes, “Let’s begin with a simple fact: time passes faster in the mountains than it does at sea level…
I am fascinated by the way Rovelli explains how altitude changes time. He writes, “Let’s begin with a simple fact: time passes faster in the mountains than it does at sea level… This slowing down can be detected between levels just a few centimetres apart: a clock placed on the floor runs a little more slowly than one on a table. It is not just the clocks that slow down: lower down, all processes are slower.”
When I read this, I started to understand and accept why I had found it so challenging to transition from life up on the mountain to life in the valley. All of my processes had to become slower; my mental and physical, even spiritual relationships towards time had to change in order for me to adapt and to adjust to my new surroundings. It was a very unnerving time at first, and I found myself longing to return to the mountains. Despite the fact that I enjoyed my new job, raising my children and making new friends in a different culture, my personal processes, like my coping mechanisms, had slowed down and I needed to give myself time to accept the newness of this “chrono-diversity” at sea level.
Some consider winter a time to slow down and rest, imitating elements of nature that hibernate and tuck in to escape the cold. But for me, it is this change of environment, this other way of being in time, this speeding up and expanding of time, that I long for in the winter months.
During those years, my friend stayed in the mountains; she never returned to life in the valley. And I believe this makes us different in the way we now measure time. Maybe her time does actually pass more quickly than mine? She is a speed queen and can get a million things done in one day. She thinks faster than I think, and certainly skis faster than I ski.
Some consider winter a time to slow down and rest, imitating elements of nature that hibernate and tuck in to escape the cold. But for me, it is this change of environment, this other way of being in time, this speeding up and expanding of time, that I long for in the winter months. It’s the rigour and rhythm of mountain time. Rovelli writes,
“Two friends separate, with one of them living in the plains and the other going to live in the mountains. They meet up again years later: the one who has stayed down has lived less, aged less, the mechanism of his cuckoo clock has oscillated fewer times. He has had less time to do things, his plants have grown less, his thoughts have had less time to unfold ... Lower down, there is simply less time than at altitude.”
I guess the proof is “in the physics.” As I’ve learned, it is the changeability of time in the mountains that keeps me skiing through life. Even if it seems a bit ironic and mysterious to me, I imagine I will always feel this type of change to be constant in my life. Though I suppose, that could change too.
A shift in conversation
First, family members aren’t roommates and the rules of living at home are not the same as the rules when you’re away at school. Both my daughters agree with my husband and me on this point—even if the ways we apply it may be slightly different. We have requested that our baby adults give advance notice when they will miss dinner and ask that they send a quick text letting us know they’re in after a night out or have arrived at a travel destination. These simple considerations go a long way for our peace of mind.
On our side—we actually don’t expect them to be present for all meals, and we’re intentional about sending updates to the family group chat when away from home. We know that concessions about shared space in the house with our daughters and their friends is fair, even when it includes our hot tub! The girls respect our need for weeknight “curfews” and we understand that weekend time is their own—they will figure out the balance between sleep, partying and work or other obligations.
Compromise and communication
We are also working on expanding our notion of “family time” to include plus ones. This isn’t necessarily an easy one. We know the rollercoaster of young love is perilous at best but to whatever extent they allow us—we’d rather be on the ride with them. So, invitations to family dinner, camping weekends, ski days or whatever “event” is going on will be extended to whoever is present and important in my daughters’ lives.
It may go without saying, but none of this is possible without communication. And sometimes breaking the conversation barrier is the most difficult aspect of this parenting shift.
It may go without saying, but none of this is possible without communication. And sometimes breaking the conversation barrier is the most difficult aspect of this parenting shift. Our kids see us as their parents, not people. And, it can be emotionally confusing when my mind’s eye sees my daughters as both the children they were, and the adults they are poised to become. Cue many awkward conversations. But I’ll tell you one thing, I have yet to regret a single one of those conversations. We always walk away with a bit more understanding of each other’s perspective. It can be exhausting but it’s worth it.
I think back to all the childhood firsts—walking to school on their own, their first sleepaway camp, taking public transit without an adult, staying home alone, their first job. All of these occasions were lessons in independence—my daughters learning to do things on their own and my husband and I learning to let them. Those slippery stepping stones that led us here. Now, all of our teaching, parenting and awkward conversations have come home to roost. Both my girls are ready to spread their wings.
I’m working on doing the same. I’ve realized that the best example I can set as my baby adults venture out on their own is to continue living and cultivating my own life— to be excited for myself as well as for them. This will form the foundation of our new adult relationships—all of us growing, together.