Whether we’re talking about charitable and philanthropic gifts, or hand picked items for our nearest and dearest, gift-giving can be a joyful, messy, and occasionally stressful art. Some people excel in this dance of choosing and presenting gifts that are just right. Others — sometimes despite their very  best efforts — find themselves perpetually getting it wrong. At its core, though, gift giving is an opportunity to show our care and to deepen our connections.

Traditions and expectations

The giving and receiving of gifts — and the many traditions surrounding them — are timeless human endeavours that elicit a wide range of feelings and views. On the surface it can seem straightforward – we mark birthdays, holidays, weddings and other special occasions by giving gifts to those with whom we’re connected. But of course, amidst the potential joys and delights of giving and receiving gifts, complexities inevitably emerge. 

Most of us can identify stresses we’ve felt around exchanging gifts, like not knowing what to get someone, forgetting to buy something altogether, wondering how much we can or should spend, or receiving a well-intentioned gift that you really don’t want. Children, with their right-at-the-surface emotions, often lay bare for us the complicated and sometimes unpredictable nature of giving and receiving gifts, expressing without hesitation their glee, indifference, or even profound disappointment accompanied by tears.

A timely, thoughtful gift can make the recipient feel known and appreciated, while a forgotten anniversary or birthday gift will likely have the opposite effect.

We won’t always get it right, but if we are looking to give well and with intention, a good question we can start with is: Does this strengthen the relationship? A timely, thoughtful gift can make the recipient feel known and appreciated, while a forgotten anniversary or birthday gift will likely have the opposite effect. 

‍Unwritten rules 

In his book The Gift, sociologist Marcel Mauss suggests that gift giving can actually create an obligation to reciprocate – often it is a gift back to the original gift giver, which creates an endless cycle of obligation back and forth. Though we may not spell it out clearly in our relationships or social structures, it is typically bad form not to acknowledge a gift, show thankfulness, or give a gift in return. I think many of us like to think of gift giving as voluntary – no strings attached — yet there are often many unspoken feelings and obligations surrounding it, both in our personal relationships and in broader society. In my home province of British Columbia, there have been recent legal challenges targeting unequal inheritances to siblings – so far the courts have largely been ruling in favour of equal financial distribution, despite the wishes of the giver that have been clearly spelled out in a will.

Philosophers through the ages have also raised important questions such as whether it is even possible to give altruistically — without expecting anything in return. There is lots of evidence to suggest that gift giving, including philanthropy and charitable giving, have psychological, social and reputational benefits for the giver. I think this is important to recognize. And, outside of an obviously selfish gift that mostly benefits the giver, why shouldn’t we engage in gift-giving that benefits everyone in the relationship? We may not be able to totally escape the obligations and familial or cultural expectations around gift giving, but why not also aim for giving in a way that consciously sees and considers all parties involved? In situations of unequal financial means, whether between friends, siblings, or between parents and children, we can go out of our way to assure the other parties that there really is no obligation to reciprocate in kind.

Is it just the thought that counts?

Seneca in his Moral Essays said: “A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.” I think most of us would agree that intention has an important role in how we tend to evaluate the actions of others, often overlooking what we deem less desirable actions to a degree if the intent seemed good.  Most of us have heard or used the phrase, it’s the thought that counts, highlighting that intention is one of the more important aspects of gift giving. There is also, of course, the gift itself – whether time, energy, or something material or financial – and trying to make sure that the gift is appropriate for the receiver. We want to ensure, to the best of our ability, that the gift will actually benefit and not harm them; while most people say they would welcome a lottery win or large early inheritance, there can be detrimental consequences if the receiver does not know how to handle it wisely.

Endeavouring to give well 

So, this holiday season, what does it mean to give well and how can we navigate the complexities within our own families or social situations? A good starting place is to remember that gift giving, however clear the intention, is sometimes a much more complicated affair, with a variety of unforeseen obligations, expectations and potential consequences. And, with that in mind, the second thing to remember is that gift giving also has amazing potential to be a fun, creative, rewarding process, with fantastic results.

Some of the most memorable gifts — the ones I still think about – have been simple, timely and thoughtful gifts.

Throughout my own life, I have experienced meaningful joys and surprises in both giving and receiving. Some of the most memorable gifts — the ones I still think about – have been simple, timely and thoughtful gifts. I also still experience my share of annual stress trying to find the time and creativity to give meaningful gifts as I rush around, often too last-minute. Still, each year, as I endeavour to give well, my personal aims are (1) to give freely — with the least number of strings attached, (2) to give in a way that strengthens the relationship, and (3) to give in a way that honours the recipient and causes them to feel seen and appreciated. This holiday season, I invite you to pause, reflect on your own experiences around gift giving, and consider what it means for you to give well this season.