Gathering the parts of ourselves

As the holiday season approaches, there's no shortage of advice on managing family dynamics. Social media posts and articles offer tips and tricks for navigating dinner-table tensions, and surviving the chaos that so often accompanies family gatherings. While there’s plenty of guidance for handling what happens around us, what about what’s happening within us?

The truth is, we can’t control how Grandpa responds to our life choices or whether Aunt Jackie will dive into her political views before the meal even starts. What we can do is decide how we show up. We can tend to our inner world, caring for the parts of ourselves that experience fear, anger, overwhelm or uncertainty in those bigger situations. The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model offers us a roadmap for this work, inviting us to gather the many “parts” of ourselves so we can approach the season not with perfection, but with a bit more presence and peace.

An introduction to Internal Family Systems

Dr. Richard Schwartz developed Internal Family Systems (IFS) in the 1980s while working as a family therapist. Initially focused on helping clients navigate external family dynamics, Schwartz noticed that when describing internal conflicts, clients often described them as if they had various “parts” or subpersonalities. He heard patients use intuitive language many of us (unintentionally) already use:

“Part of me wants to see him again, but I know it wouldn’t be for the right reasons.”

“It’s not black and white!”

“I’m so torn!”

Schwartz avoided the conclusion that these individuals were all living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder) - though some with this diagnosis did find their way into his caseload. Rather, he lingered with these fragmented perspectives long enough to hear what they had to say.

Schwartz began to explore how these parts interacted and how by working with them as a kind of "internal family," clients could experience greater self-understanding and healing.

Many, he noted, were varied perspectives on the same topic or decision. Some parts were intense and passionate. Some were self-destructive. Others carried deep childhood pain. Schwartz began to explore how these parts interacted and how by working with them as a kind of "internal family," clients could experience greater self-understanding and healing.

Think of a time you’ve experienced a sense of inner conflict. I’ll use a simple illustration - imagine you’re deciding what shoes to wear to an event. You consider the type of event, who will be present, the image you want to exude, and decide on the flashy shoes. You could argue you chose the flashy ones out of vanity, but what if we stay with that choice a little longer?

Before you made your decision, your stomach was churning with a low level of anx-ticipation (a feeling of anticipation that leans into feeling anxious). A familiar feeling, not unlike the one you may have felt on the first day of junior high. That universal sense of wanting to be cool; to stand out, but not too much, and also to fit in. An IFS lens helps us understand that a younger “part” of you may have been in the driver’s seat when you chose your shoes for the event. 

That example was pretty low-stakes. but the same dynamics often play out in other situations, like when we experience conflict with a loved one. Relational triggers often send our parts into a flurry. And different parts have different functions, emotionally speaking.

Meet the family

Within IFS, Schwartz describes three main types of parts: “firefighters” or “first responders,” “managers,” and “exiles.” 

The “firefighter” or “first responder” part is one we commonly see in therapy. This is the part that acts quickly without regard for long-term consequences. Picture a part of you that gets in the driver’s seat and says, “That loneliness doesn’t feel very nice, how about I crack open another bottle of wine and take that sting away?” Or an impulsive part of you that fires first in conflict and asks questions later.

The firefighter’s partner is the “manager” - another part primarily concerned with avoiding emotional pain (in the present or in unprocessed trauma), but with very different tactics. Where the first responder uses impulsive actions (e.g. sex, drugs, rock’n’roll), the manager uses more socially desirable, conscientious, image-managing tactics.

The pain that firefighters and managers are avoiding typically comes from parts that are holding onto wounds from earlier in life - the “exiles.” Recall again those first-day-of-middleschool jitters: imagine if your shoes of choice had resulted in bullying and incessant name-calling. That child part of you felt so much emotional pain that it went into hiding. The firefighter and manager parts formed in order to keep those parts in exile - preventing those painful emotions from coming to the surface. 

In therapy, an IFS perspective has one specific goal: to validate the parts of ourselves while accessing their inherent wisdom.

How it helps

In therapy, an IFS perspective has one specific goal: to validate the parts of ourselves while accessing their inherent wisdom. Not every part’s recommendation will be a viable option at any given moment (e.g. “sell everything and move to the woods next tax season”). But every perspective has something of value to share and is worth listening to. When parts of you, especially those desperately afraid of letting their guard down, are given safe space to be understood and heard, they tend to reduce in their intensity. Like a sentry finally relieved of its duty, we get access to clarity. 

What comes to the surface after this kind of acceptance and validation is what Schwartz calls the “Self,” or the oldest, wisest part of you. It is calm, confident, and open. It is a leader you can count on with a lifetime of experiences to draw from.

Clients often report experiencing more self-compassion when they finally understand why their manager part has been working so hard to keep them on the straight-and-narrow, even at the expense of being able to access child-like joy. One client habitually rejected by friends and family and labelled an “addict” reported feeling overwhelming kindness towards his inner child who has been soothing deep hurt with substances. 

What comes to the surface after this kind of acceptance and validation is what Schwartz calls the “Self,” or the oldest, wisest part of you. It is calm, confident, and open. It is a leader you can count on with a lifetime of experiences to draw from. In growth and healing, the Self is at the helm of the system, a core, compassionate presence that can lead all these parts to find their place in the whole, leading to greater harmony and healing.

Try it out

The next time you have a decision to make, big or small, try out this simple exercise:

Pause long enough to notice how you feel about it. Tense, flowing, big, small. Use language that feels natural to you.

Try personifying those feelings. Do you see a fireball? A soldier? A younger version of yourself? Perhaps your kids or grandkids love the film Inside Out — do you see one of the characters inside you?

Next, look for any conflicting or polarized perspectives within yourself. Is there any black-and-white language showing up around the decision? Impulsive options? Ask yourself: what is this part of me afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job?

Listen first, validate second, choose your path third.

Clients have reported back finding their internal “family dinners” are much calmer when everyone gets a chance to speak. The more you practice, the more you’ll find clarity and understanding when faced with decisions. And who knows, maybe you’ll choose the shoes that the kid in you loves to see you wear.