“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” - Lewis B. Smedes‍

Forgiveness and the human capacity for compassion

What’s easier for you? Forgiving yourself or forgiving others?

The benefits of forgiveness for one’s mental, emotional and physical health are well documented. Studies indicate that the decision to forgive is directly correlated to reduced levels of stress, depression and anxiety, as well as improved sleep and lower pain and cortisol levels. Moreover, research shows that those who hold [grudges are more likely to experience ill-health, while those who forgive easily are more likely to experience a more fulfilled life. 

Forgiveness requires us to show empathy and compassion to another; that is to say that our capacity to forgive is linked to our flexibility and willingness to put ourselves in the shoes of another. This requires self-awareness, self-reflection and a healthy dose of accountability. Truthfully, humans have a tremendous capacity to experience and show compassion for others. 

For some, being empathetic to others is second nature. Interestingly, it is not unusual for deeply compassionate individuals to struggle with forgiving themselves. Many of us often struggle to offer and accept this same act of kindness we give so freely to others.

Self-forgiveness, what is it, and why is it so difficult?

According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, forgiveness is the decision to extend compassion to others while letting go of any resentment or ill feelings, to act with love and kindness. By extension, self-forgiveness is the ability to extend that same grace (of kindness and compassion) to oneself. 

So often, as we age, we find ourselves confounded, doing the very things we promised ourselves we would never do.

If we live long enough, there will be plenty of reasons and opportunities to forgive. We live in an imperfect world where pain is an unavoidable part of our human experience. For most of us, our daily lives offer ample evidence of our limited ability to control many of life’s circumstances. From the outset, we don’t get to choose the family or circumstances into which we are born, nor do we get to know or decide exactly what the future holds. Yet much of how we respond to and navigate our experiences all throughout our lives is rooted in our earliest experiences. Attachment theory helps us understand that in those early days, our nervous system keeps a record of the care and the harm we experience, and responds accordingly. Even if circumstances change over time, those early patterns often persist, and years later, we respond in instinctive and unintentional ways. So often, as we age, we find ourselves confounded, doing the very things we promised ourselves we would never do. 

As just one example, individuals who have endured a lifetime of criticism often struggle to break the habit of self-judgment and self-criticism. Our early lived experience records messages in our psyche; when these include messages like “the opinions and comfort of others are more important than my own,” or “in conflict, the fault or deficiency must be within me,” these imprints can lead to self-neglect. Internalized narratives, heeded and reinforced over time, strengthen the inner critic. In situations like this, forgiving the self can be incredibly difficult. It is, nevertheless, absolutely vital for our sense of freedom, peace, and overall well-being.‍

Self-compassion: The journey to self-forgiveness

I believe the journey to self-forgiveness begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. Self-awareness provides insight and understanding of ourselves and our actions. Self-compassion frees us to walk in the belief that even in all our flawed humanity, we are worthy of love and so many other beautiful things. 

To build self-awareness, you can simply start out by taking time to observe yourself. Notice how you show up in relationships, how you show up in your own thoughts. Notice whether you are living with intentionality. Notice whether your daily life aligns with your values. Consider whether you know what your soul needs (have you ever considered it?) – and whether you’re tending to those needs. 

When we live authentically, seeing and accepting ourselves for who we are and acknowledging both our weaknesses and our strengths, we can take significant steps towards self-forgiveness.

The practice of self-compassion makes it easier to recognize our needs and our worth. It empowers us to live by our values. This awareness and acceptance frees us to forgive ourselves and others; it allows us to make peace with our mistakes. When we live authentically, seeing and accepting ourselves for who we are and acknowledging both our weaknesses and our strengths, we can take significant steps towards self-forgiveness. ‍

Rewriting our story

In my work, I have come to understand that children who were never taught the value of the self often become adults who struggle with perfectionism and are hard on themselves. They focus on what’s wrong, and on their mistakes; they see themself as undeserving of the very kindness they extend to others. Self-compassion is an intentional practice —and the very place where self-forgiveness is nurtured. This can be especially powerful for these individuals. For all of us, when we exercise self-compassion consistently, the emotional brain learns to forgive and release its critical gaze of the self, and a new way of being emerges: a more compassionate version of the self. ‍

From shame to guilt

In this process, we begin to distinguish between feelings of shame and feelings of guilt that may arise when we’ve made a mistake or caused harm in some way. When we are deeply self-critical, we often default to shame. Shame focuses on the self - it jumps straight from “I did something wrong” to “there’s something wrong with me.” Shame avoids responsibility at all costs and can be quite destructive. It often leads to us masking ourselves as a victim and lashing out with blame. As we begin to heal and experience greater self-acceptance, we move away from shame and toward the much more generative experience of guilt. Guilt is productive—it focuses on our action and its impact, and accepts accountability. Guilt helps us see and repair when we make mistakes. ‍

Practical steps for cultivating self-forgiveness:

• Consider a daily practice of gratitude and self-compassion (you can find meditations and practices at the self-compassion link above).
• Make a list of the positive things you know to be true about yourself (strengths, abilities etc.). Start with the things others have told you they like about you. 
• Practice accepting compliments without rebuttal. 
• Take note of what matters to you and remind yourself often.
• Remind yourself that you are human, NOT superhuman. And that's okay.
• Practice speaking to yourself the way you would to a friend or loved one. 
• Notice how you respond when you make a mistake. Do you find yourself moving toward shame or guilt? Do you take action to repair any hurts or rifts? What comes up for you?
• Commit to the work, being patient with both yourself and the process.
• Build a community—for we heal in community. Consider how a partner or counsellor may contribute to your own growth and healing.

The counselling space is designed to be a safe place to explore, identify, and understand the needs of one’s soul. A place where vulnerability is encouraged and one learns to honour and value the self. A place to find and hone the confidence to live freely and with greater ease in this second half of life. 

Learning to forgive ourselves and be compassionate toward ourselves takes time, and midlife is a great moment for it.‍

Midlife’s invitation

Learning to forgive ourselves and be compassionate toward ourselves takes time, and midlife is a great moment for it. Midlife is a natural time to pause and reflect, to look inward and deepen self-awareness; to begin noticing your thoughts and behaviours, to take stock. To ask important questions and answer honestly. 

Midlife also lavishes us with a great gift: the wisdom of lived experience. And it invites each of us to draw on that gift to discern what it means for us to live the second half of this life to the fullest, and to live it with greater freedom. 

If you’re open to it, midlife can be a beautiful time to heal from unconscious core beliefs. A time to lay down what holds you back — things like regrets, past mistakes, old shame cycles or unfulfilled dreams. The invitation is here to fully embrace yourself, to learn and practice forgiveness. To settle into the truth that the same compassion you offer others is actually necessary for your own soul to experience the freedom of forgiveness, and to thrive.