Sometimes, the habits we’re least conscious of can cause the most trouble. When it comes to relationships, it’s not often the big fights or ‘high drama’ moments that do the real damage—it’s the little things we barely notice. Those seemingly small actions (or inactions), the ones we brush off as insignificant, can build up over time, quietly undermining the connection we desire. It’s like a slow drip that eventually wears away the strongest foundation. And by the time we realise what’s happening, the damage is done. 

Let’s take a look at some of the habits that can sabotage our relationships,  and explore ways to turn them around.

1. Keeping score

It’s easy to fall into the habit of keeping track of who did what — who took out the garbage, who picked up the kids, who handled the bills. This kind of scorekeeping might seem fair, but it can also create a competitive atmosphere where each partner is more focused on their own contributions than the well-being of the relationship. Research suggests that a tit-for-tat approach can breed resentment and erode the trust and unity that a healthy relationship needs. If you experience a perpetually unequal division of household labour that remains unaddressed, that can also lead to deep resentment and disconnection. So, if that’s you, it might be time to talk about it! See our tips for number 2.  

Try this: Shift your focus from keeping score to giving freely. Marriage isn’t a zero-sum game; it’s a partnership where both people should feel valued and supported. Studies show that couples who prioritise each others’ needs and focus on mutual support tend to have stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Instead of tallying contributions, ask yourself, "How can I help my partner, myself, and my relationship today? How can I help create what I want rather than resent what I don’t?" This mindset can be transformative.

2. Avoiding difficult conversations

Tough conversations are exactly that, tough.  Whether they’re about money, intimacy, future plans or any other area that is important to you, these discussions can feel like minefields, filled with potential for misunderstanding or hurt. And avoiding them doesn’t make the issues go away; they just fester beneath the surface, creating distance between you and your partner. Research shows that couples who avoid difficult conversations are more likely to experience emotional disconnection and long-term dissatisfaction. It also shows that those who commit to communicating (especially when it’s uncomfortable) are stronger for it.

Try this: Embrace the hard conversations and know that honesty is kindness. Lean into discussions with openness and a willingness to listen — because if one of you has a problem in the relationship, then both of you have a problem (and opportunity). Honest communication, even when it’s uncomfortable, is the foundation of a strong partnership. Studies indicate that couples who engage in these conversations with intentional empathy and respect build deeper trust and understanding. If there’s a tough topic you’re not sure how to address, look for some new tools or new language! There are so many great resources out there, including books and games like Fair Play (which offers a whole new look at division of household labour); they offer light and engaging ways to tell your partner what’s going on, and set you both up for success.

3. Neglecting the little things

It’s easy to overlook the small, everyday gestures that keep a relationship strong. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that it’s often the little things—a warm smile, a word of appreciation, a spontaneous hug—that make the biggest difference. These acts of kindness and affection create a positive emotional climate and reinforce the bond between you and your partner. So when we stop doing them, it matters.

Try this: Make a habit of not only appreciating the little things but also leaning into small, intentional acts of love. It doesn’t have to be grand or time-consuming. A simple "thank you," a compliment, or a touch on the shoulder can convey love and appreciation. These small gestures add up, creating a reservoir of goodwill and affection that sustains your relationship over the long term. It’s about helping your partner feel valued and loved, day in and day out, from a place of true gratitude and respect.
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4. Invalidating your partner’s feelings

One of the most common yet harmful behaviours in relationships is the tendency to dismiss or downplay your partner’s feelings. Whether it’s telling them they’re overreacting, asking them to "calm down," or minimising their concerns with phrases like, "It’s not that big of a deal," this kind of invalidation can create a deep sense of emotional disconnection. Research shows that when partners feel unheard or dismissed, it can lead to resentment and a breakdown in communication.

Try this: When your partner shares their feelings, take a moment to really listen and process it before you respond — because even if you don’t fully understand or agree, those feelings are real and important to them. Then acknowledge their emotions and let them know, “I’m here for you. I’ve got you.” Because if we can’t count on our partner to be there, who can we count on?  By validating your partner’s feelings, you create a safe space where they can open up, be themselves, and feel truly heard. This is how we deepen our emotional connection and build a foundation of trust that can weather life’s storms. It’s about being fully present, showing up for each other, and saying, “Your feelings matter, and I’m here to walk through this with you.”

5. Holding grudges

Grudges are like toxins in a relationship—they seep into your interactions, turning love into poison. Holding onto past grievances and bringing them up in arguments can prevent your relationship from moving forward. It keeps you both stuck in a cycle of blame and resentment, making it difficult to build trust and intimacy. Research shows that unresolved anger and resentment are significant predictors of relationship decay and even divorce.

Try this: If you’re holding onto a grudge, make a decision to focus on moving forward, and then take the necessary steps to do that. So if there’s a past hurt you haven’t addressed, then it’s time to communicate about it so you can work together toward a resolution.  If it’s about an issue that you have addressed and resolved, but are having a hard time letting go, ask yourself if you’ve really gotten to the root of the hurt? If not, have that conversation. If so, make a conscious effort to move on. This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means choosing forgiveness each time it pops back up, allowing both of you to heal. If you find it challenging to let go of past hurts, seeking the help of a therapist or counsellor can often be helpful. Forgiveness isn’t about excusing bad behaviour; it’s about freeing yourself and your partner from the burdens of the past and allowing your love to grow.

6. Passing time instead of valuing quality time

Almost all of us fall into the “busy trap” — the mindset that has us chasing our tails all day and then gasping for proverbial air with a device in hand once the day is “done.” Sure, it’s easy and comforting to fall onto the couch with a social feed or fun game, but let’s be honest—that’s not likely how your relationship was formed, or how it will thrive in the present or future.

Try this: If you want your relationship to be more fun, be more fun. If you want it to be warm and loving, be warm and loving. If you crave adventure and spontaneity, be more adventurous and spontaneous. Go first to help yourself get what YOU want out of your relationship. And remember the power of time — it is the greatest connector.

Every day, we have the chance to build or break the trust that forms the foundation of our relationships. It’s in the small, intentional choices we make that the true strength of our connection is forged. Let’s be deliberate in how we invest in our relationships — focusing on understanding, support, and a shared commitment to growth. The quality of our connection isn’t about grand gestures — it’s about consistently showing up and choosing to prioritize the people we care about, being humble and owning our mistakes, and bringing joy and goodwill to the relationship. The success of basically any relationship hinges on the trust and loyalty we cultivate through our everyday actions.