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Sometimes, the habits we’re least conscious of can cause the most trouble. When it comes to relationships, it’s not often the big fights or ‘high drama’ moments that do the real damage—it’s the little things we barely notice. Those seemingly small actions (or inactions), the ones we brush off as insignificant, can build up over time, quietly undermining the connection we desire. It’s like a slow drip that eventually wears away the strongest foundation. And by the time we realise what’s happening, the damage is done.
Let’s take a look at some of the habits that can sabotage our relationships, and explore ways to turn them around.
1. Keeping score
It’s easy to fall into the habit of keeping track of who did what — who took out the garbage, who picked up the kids, who handled the bills. This kind of scorekeeping might seem fair, but it can also create a competitive atmosphere where each partner is more focused on their own contributions than the well-being of the relationship. Research suggests that a tit-for-tat approach can breed resentment and erode the trust and unity that a healthy relationship needs. If you experience a perpetually unequal division of household labour that remains unaddressed, that can also lead to deep resentment and disconnection. So, if that’s you, it might be time to talk about it! See our tips for number 2.
Try this: Shift your focus from keeping score to giving freely. Marriage isn’t a zero-sum game; it’s a partnership where both people should feel valued and supported. Studies show that couples who prioritise each others’ needs and focus on mutual support tend to have stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Instead of tallying contributions, ask yourself, "How can I help my partner, myself, and my relationship today? How can I help create what I want rather than resent what I don’t?" This mindset can be transformative.
2. Avoiding difficult conversations
Tough conversations are exactly that, tough. Whether they’re about money, intimacy, future plans or any other area that is important to you, these discussions can feel like minefields, filled with potential for misunderstanding or hurt. And avoiding them doesn’t make the issues go away; they just fester beneath the surface, creating distance between you and your partner. Research shows that couples who avoid difficult conversations are more likely to experience emotional disconnection and long-term dissatisfaction. It also shows that those who commit to communicating (especially when it’s uncomfortable) are stronger for it.
Try this: Embrace the hard conversations and know that honesty is kindness. Lean into discussions with openness and a willingness to listen — because if one of you has a problem in the relationship, then both of you have a problem (and opportunity). Honest communication, even when it’s uncomfortable, is the foundation of a strong partnership. Studies indicate that couples who engage in these conversations with intentional empathy and respect build deeper trust and understanding. If there’s a tough topic you’re not sure how to address, look for some new tools or new language! There are so many great resources out there, including books and games like Fair Play (which offers a whole new look at division of household labour); they offer light and engaging ways to tell your partner what’s going on, and set you both up for success.
3. Neglecting the little things
It’s easy to overlook the small, everyday gestures that keep a relationship strong. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that it’s often the little things—a warm smile, a word of appreciation, a spontaneous hug—that make the biggest difference. These acts of kindness and affection create a positive emotional climate and reinforce the bond between you and your partner. So when we stop doing them, it matters.
Try this: Make a habit of not only appreciating the little things but also leaning into small, intentional acts of love. It doesn’t have to be grand or time-consuming. A simple "thank you," a compliment, or a touch on the shoulder can convey love and appreciation. These small gestures add up, creating a reservoir of goodwill and affection that sustains your relationship over the long term. It’s about helping your partner feel valued and loved, day in and day out, from a place of true gratitude and respect.
“But while we have no control over time itself, we do have a choice in how we orient to it, how we inhabit the moment, how we own the past and open to the future - a choice that shapes our entire experience of life, that ossuary of time. And just as it bears remembering that there are infinitely many kinds of beautiful lives, it bears remembering that there are infinitely many ways of being in time.” - Maria Popova, The Marginalian
Change of environment
I put on my ski gear, and pull my boot bag up on my back. Covered head to toe, I step outside. My skis are perched on my left shoulder, and my poles are in my right hand. I walk carefully down the snowy path and up through the village to the lift. It’s a sacred ten minutes of meditative rhythmic walking to warm me up for the day ahead.
New snow has fallen – about twenty centimetres. The snow cats have groomed the mountain during the night. It’s early and I'll be on the first lift up to the slopes.
This is the change of environment I crave the most at this time in my life. The movement from posed stability to energetic vulnerability, from the familiar to the serendipitous unknown, from the routine to the spontaneous. Here on the mountain I feel like I live life to its fullest. I feel more alive here than anywhere else. Curiosity is my catalyst — I could rest today, I could contemplate other days gone by, but I'm curious: What will the snow be like? What will my balance and form be like? What shapes of clouds will appear? What breeze will freeze my nose? Where will the trail take me? It is ski season; adventurous, mysterious and invigorating. It provides another form of lifestyle filled with the sort of vulnerability I love.
Of course everyone knows that change is constant, but there is nowhere else in the world where I see, feel, hear, touch and taste this truth more clearly than here on the side of my favourite mountain.
This magic mountain that I've skied for years and years changes all the time. It's ironic really, as it is made of stone and rock, ice and dirt - elements so strong and stable, so unmoving and unbudgeable, so unforgiving and invincible, yet it is forever changing. Of course everyone knows that change is constant, but there is nowhere else in the world where I see, feel, hear, touch and taste this truth more clearly than here on the side of my favourite mountain. Such a curious phenomenon — this alpine environment that moves and changes constantly, just like me. The weather forecast looks good today, colder than yesterday, but mostly sunny in the morning with the wind rising in the afternoon. Of course, this could change too.
Letting change flow
Arriving at the base of the mountain, I put on my ski boots, tuck my shoes away for the day, and once again perch my skis on my shoulder. I use my poles to help me navigate the steps up to the gates; it’s the beginning of the season and this morning routine of getting to the lifts still has me feeling a bit winded as I get used to the altitude. My friend is waiting for me. She and I smile brightly at each other and, seconds later, the buzzer goes off and the gates are activated. We are the first ones through, proud of ourselves for our early rising and excited to experience the thrill of another ski day together. We banter about the beautiful day ahead, our slight aches and pains and need for some stretching.
My friend is confident and bold — an expert skier. Me, I am not as confident and I am no expert. But I am bold, and she inspires me. Most of all, I am grateful for the change of scenery, communing with nature and the joy of being together again on the mountain.
Tensing up in anticipation of a coming bump or turn will surely cause a fall. The key to serenity on skis is letting change flow, becoming one with the change, and then being the change.
As we descend each run at our own pace, our skis pushing us beyond our unique comfort zones, we each experience individualized moments in the quiet rhythm of skiing. Every day on the slope is different, every turn of every carve into the snow is different, at times smooth and other times choppy. At all times, our minds must stay connected to our bodies. It is invigorating and mystifying, as we must disconnect from all worries and all other actions and stay absolutely present. Tensing up in anticipation of a coming bump or turn will surely cause a fall. The key to serenity on skis is letting change flow, becoming one with the change, and then being the change.
After a few hours of skiing our favourite trails, I tell my friend I want to stop at a lookout spot, not because I’m tired but because I want to breathe in my surroundings. She says she’ll let me have a bit of alone time and we decide she’ll do another run and meet me back here. The sky is vast and filled with a multitude of blue hues, the clouds are fantastical and bright white. The fresh cold air is thinner up here; it smells minty as it passes through my nostrils and it tastes minerally as it drips down my throat. The steam rises from my scarf as I breathe in and out, feeling the warmth of my body. This change of environment is essential to my well-being. It’s not just any change of environment though.
Chrono-diversity
It’s being up at altitude that thrills me most. The physicist Carlo Rovelli in his book “The Order of Time” captures the essence of my pause at the lookout spot. He writes,
“I stop and do nothing. Nothing happens. I am thinking about nothing. I listen to the passing of time. This is time, familiar and intimate. We are taken by it…. Our being is being in time.”
I lived and worked in this village just below the slopes for ten years, all through my thirties, and now that I am retired, I return here as much as possible. Initially when I moved away, down to sea level and no longer at altitude, it took me a long time to adjust and to adapt to being in a different time zone, but not just a different chronometric time zone, but a different “chrono-atmospheric” time zone.
I am fascinated by the way Rovelli explains how altitude changes time. He writes, “Let’s begin with a simple fact: time passes faster in the mountains than it does at sea level…
I am fascinated by the way Rovelli explains how altitude changes time. He writes, “Let’s begin with a simple fact: time passes faster in the mountains than it does at sea level… This slowing down can be detected between levels just a few centimetres apart: a clock placed on the floor runs a little more slowly than one on a table. It is not just the clocks that slow down: lower down, all processes are slower.”
When I read this, I started to understand and accept why I had found it so challenging to transition from life up on the mountain to life in the valley. All of my processes had to become slower; my mental and physical, even spiritual relationships towards time had to change in order for me to adapt and to adjust to my new surroundings. It was a very unnerving time at first, and I found myself longing to return to the mountains. Despite the fact that I enjoyed my new job, raising my children and making new friends in a different culture, my personal processes, like my coping mechanisms, had slowed down and I needed to give myself time to accept the newness of this “chrono-diversity” at sea level.
Some consider winter a time to slow down and rest, imitating elements of nature that hibernate and tuck in to escape the cold. But for me, it is this change of environment, this other way of being in time, this speeding up and expanding of time, that I long for in the winter months.
During those years, my friend stayed in the mountains; she never returned to life in the valley. And I believe this makes us different in the way we now measure time. Maybe her time does actually pass more quickly than mine? She is a speed queen and can get a million things done in one day. She thinks faster than I think, and certainly skis faster than I ski.
Some consider winter a time to slow down and rest, imitating elements of nature that hibernate and tuck in to escape the cold. But for me, it is this change of environment, this other way of being in time, this speeding up and expanding of time, that I long for in the winter months. It’s the rigour and rhythm of mountain time. Rovelli writes,
“Two friends separate, with one of them living in the plains and the other going to live in the mountains. They meet up again years later: the one who has stayed down has lived less, aged less, the mechanism of his cuckoo clock has oscillated fewer times. He has had less time to do things, his plants have grown less, his thoughts have had less time to unfold ... Lower down, there is simply less time than at altitude.”
I guess the proof is “in the physics.” As I’ve learned, it is the changeability of time in the mountains that keeps me skiing through life. Even if it seems a bit ironic and mysterious to me, I imagine I will always feel this type of change to be constant in my life. Though I suppose, that could change too.
4. Invalidating your partner’s feelings
One of the most common yet harmful behaviours in relationships is the tendency to dismiss or downplay your partner’s feelings. Whether it’s telling them they’re overreacting, asking them to "calm down," or minimising their concerns with phrases like, "It’s not that big of a deal," this kind of invalidation can create a deep sense of emotional disconnection. Research shows that when partners feel unheard or dismissed, it can lead to resentment and a breakdown in communication.
Try this: When your partner shares their feelings, take a moment to really listen and process it before you respond — because even if you don’t fully understand or agree, those feelings are real and important to them. Then acknowledge their emotions and let them know, “I’m here for you. I’ve got you.” Because if we can’t count on our partner to be there, who can we count on? By validating your partner’s feelings, you create a safe space where they can open up, be themselves, and feel truly heard. This is how we deepen our emotional connection and build a foundation of trust that can weather life’s storms. It’s about being fully present, showing up for each other, and saying, “Your feelings matter, and I’m here to walk through this with you.”
5. Holding grudges
Grudges are like toxins in a relationship—they seep into your interactions, turning love into poison. Holding onto past grievances and bringing them up in arguments can prevent your relationship from moving forward. It keeps you both stuck in a cycle of blame and resentment, making it difficult to build trust and intimacy. Research shows that unresolved anger and resentment are significant predictors of relationship decay and even divorce.
Try this: If you’re holding onto a grudge, make a decision to focus on moving forward, and then take the necessary steps to do that. So if there’s a past hurt you haven’t addressed, then it’s time to communicate about it so you can work together toward a resolution. If it’s about an issue that you have addressed and resolved, but are having a hard time letting go, ask yourself if you’ve really gotten to the root of the hurt? If not, have that conversation. If so, make a conscious effort to move on. This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means choosing forgiveness each time it pops back up, allowing both of you to heal. If you find it challenging to let go of past hurts, seeking the help of a therapist or counsellor can often be helpful. Forgiveness isn’t about excusing bad behaviour; it’s about freeing yourself and your partner from the burdens of the past and allowing your love to grow.
6. Passing time instead of valuing quality time
Almost all of us fall into the “busy trap” — the mindset that has us chasing our tails all day and then gasping for proverbial air with a device in hand once the day is “done.” Sure, it’s easy and comforting to fall onto the couch with a social feed or fun game, but let’s be honest—that’s not likely how your relationship was formed, or how it will thrive in the present or future.
Try this: If you want your relationship to be more fun, be more fun. If you want it to be warm and loving, be warm and loving. If you crave adventure and spontaneity, be more adventurous and spontaneous. Go first to help yourself get what YOU want out of your relationship. And remember the power of time — it is the greatest connector.
Every day, we have the chance to build or break the trust that forms the foundation of our relationships. It’s in the small, intentional choices we make that the true strength of our connection is forged. Let’s be deliberate in how we invest in our relationships — focusing on understanding, support, and a shared commitment to growth. The quality of our connection isn’t about grand gestures — it’s about consistently showing up and choosing to prioritize the people we care about, being humble and owning our mistakes, and bringing joy and goodwill to the relationship. The success of basically any relationship hinges on the trust and loyalty we cultivate through our everyday actions.
