Have you ever noticed how the way you gather with others has a rhythm to it, a sort of groove you fall into without even realizing? It’s as though some gatherings light you up, make you feel like you’re exactly where you belong, while others can leave you feeling, well, a longing for something else. That’s where the Enneagram comes in, but not just any part of the Enneagram — the instincts.

Quite often when we talk about the Enneagram, the conversation goes right to the numbers. People love to identify with their type — the "I'm a 4 with a 5 wing" or "I'm such a 7." But here’s something many people don’t know: the Enneagram isn’t just about your number. It also offers insight into something very interesting — our instincts. These instincts — Social, Self-Preservation, and 1:1 — go beyond personality traits; they reveal the core ways we’re wired to connect with the world: 

The Social instinct pulls us toward community and belonging, stitching people and purpose together. 

The Self-Preservation instinct seeks to create a “shelter in the storm,” and is drawn to safety and comfort. 

The 1:1 instinct craves connection, deep and intimate.  

Each of these instincts is like a compass right under the surface, guiding us to the gatherings and relationships that nourish us most.

Each of these instincts is like a compass right under the surface, guiding us to the gatherings and relationships that nourish us most.  When you tune into these instincts, you start to see how they shape not just who you are but how you show up with others.

These instincts aren't just random preferences. They're hardwired, built-in ways we connect with the world around us. They’re like deep currents in the ocean, quietly but powerfully pulling us toward a certain way of relating. And once you start noticing them, you’ll find that they reveal a lot about why you love gathering in the ways you do. Let’s dive in.

You are community builders, the ones creating connections across circles, bridging groups together.

Social instinct: The thrill of belonging

For those of you with the Social instinct, gathering is about belonging. You are energized in a room full of friends; you come alive when there’s a purpose bigger than yourself. It’s not just that you like being around others; it’s that you find your sense of place there, a feeling of, “I am part of this.” You are community builders, the ones creating connections across circles, bridging groups together.

So if you’re drawn to those group get-togethers, that Sunday potluck, or the neighbourhood gathering, it may be more than just a social calendar — it may be your instinct calling you to a kind of collective nourishment! Those with a strong Social instinct gather because it’s about forming a collective, sharing something significant, and creating a sense of connection and warmth together. If that’s you, you make meaning and create coherence in gathering. 

It's about safety, continuity, and the small comforts of life.

Self-preservation instinct: Gathering for comfort and care

Now, if your instinct is Self-Preservation, you might gather a little differently. Your ideal gathering might look like a quiet evening with close friends, where the food is warm, the lights are low, and you can just be yourself. This instinct drives you to create spaces that are cozy, familiar, maybe even a little private. It's about safety, continuity, and the small comforts of life.

This isn’t about hiding or holding back; it’s about choosing intentional intimacy, gathering in a way that grounds you. The Self-Preservation instinct gathers to recharge, to find that sense of “I’m safe here.” So, if you’ve ever wondered why a packed event sounds less appealing than a low-key dinner, that’s your Self-Preservation instinct nudging you toward the kind of connection that feels like home.

1:1 instinct types gather to reach new depths, to peel back layers, and to exchange something authentic and honest.

1:1 Instinct: Depth and the power of presence

And for the 1:1 instinct, it’s about the deep dive. For those of you with a strong 1:1 instinct, you’re not interested in surface conversations or wide social circles. For you, gathering means seeking that singular, focused connection. You find meaning in those one-on-one conversations, the quiet heart-to-hearts that make you feel seen and heard. It’s not about the crowd for you; it’s about intimacy.

1:1 instinct types gather to reach new depths, to peel back layers, and to exchange something authentic and honest. It’s that dinner with a friend where you lose track of time; it’s about that moment of deep presence where everything else falls away. This isn’t just connection; it’s transformation. So if big social scenes or surface conversations don’t quite fill your tank, this could be why. For you, gathering is about creating moments where you can be fully present, where something real happens between you and another person.

What makes this interesting? 

Now, why does any of this matter? Well, understanding your instinct can help you start gathering in a way that feels less like obligation and more like homecoming. It’s about realizing that the way we connect with others isn’t random; it’s part of a deep call within us.  When you honour that instinct — whether it’s the call to gather with a crowd, create a cozy, tucked-in place with close friends, or dive deep with one person — you’re tapping into something true to who you are and the nourishment that fuels a meaningful life. 

each way of gathering is sacred, that each one carries its own purpose, its own way of connecting us to each other and to ourselves.

So maybe the next time you’re feeling that familiar resistance to a social gathering, or the pull to spend time with just one close friend, you’ll recognize that as your instinct speaking up. And you’ll know that each way of gathering is sacred, that each one carries its own purpose, its own way of connecting us to each other and to ourselves. Learning this about yourself and those you love can help you notice — and create —  opportunities for rich, meaningful connection.  

In the end, the way we gather is the way we live. When we follow that instinct, we’re choosing the kind of connection that nourishes us the most, the one that brings us closest to who we really are. Because when it comes to gathering, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing up in a way that feels right, that feels true. And that’s something worth listening to.