“I just don’t get the whole ‘feelings’ thing,” he says in our initial appointment. Jake leads with his opinions and asks questions later. He’s honest about his apprehension when it comes to talking about his emotions, and I don’t fault him for it.

Now, stay with me beyond the stereotype Jake captures, namely, the middle-aged-man-afraid-of-his-feelings-who-needs-to-express-them. In reality, Jake’s story is as nuanced and personal as the topic of emotions. One of the common knocks against therapy is its insistence on dealing with emotions. I’ve heard variations of Jake’s confession many times in my work. And when I say “you need to feel your feelings,” it isn’t a surprise when people (especially of certain demographics) are hesitant, if not outright resistant.‍

More than a feeling

I think it’s time for an update to the good old “feel your feelings” side of therapy. The growing field of affective neuroscience and brain-body approaches are revolutionizing therapy from the ground up (or body up - more on that later). What’s been missing, though, is a guide to help people access the freedom that arises from not just “feeling” emotions, but metabolizing them in order to enjoy more authentic, confident living.

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) offers a roadmap where we get stuck emotionally, and how to get unstuck and moving toward our destination.

Picture the last time you were swept up in a wave of emotion. Perhaps a favourite film landed an emotional punch that left you in tears. Or maybe your favourite team finally crossed a long-awaited threshold (as a childhood Vancouver Canucks fan, my Stanley Cup dreams are still encased in ice). As you think about that experience, consider what happened immediately after you felt its emotion. This may seem like an odd prompt, but I’ll explain why this awareness matters.

For those who know the effects of a good cry, think of the wave of relief that pours through your body afterwards.

For those who know the effects of a good cry, think of the wave of relief that pours through your body afterwards. Like a teapot has been taken off the heat. Like you’ve returned to your baseline and your next steps (action, reflection, a conversation) are clearer. But how many of us feel confident in not only recognizing our emotions by name, but also feeling them to completion? This is where most people get stuck, and lose faith that “feeling your feelings” is worth it.

Let’s return to our good friend Honest Jake. He and I have now met for three sessions, and I sense his openness is growing to the topic of emotions. The evidence is subtle but present: he no longer sits with crossed arms and eyes looking everywhere but my face. His defenses are coming down, slowly but surely, as his wired-in security system realizes I am not a threat. Many male clients enter therapy with an internalized belief that sharing openly will lead to social shaming and even more loneliness.

With clients like Jake, I approach the topic of emotional awareness with care, primarily because he has the anti-feeling defenses of trap doors, walls, and artillery that block his conscious awareness of feelings. A helpful metaphor I’ve borrowed from a brilliant colleague is that behind every castle wall lies something precious worth protecting. As counsellors, we need to help locate that precious thing.

This is why overly direct questions from loved ones (or counsellors) can unintentionally be interpreted as attacks. And we all know what happens to castles when an “enemy” approaches - the drawbridge goes up, archers take their aim, and stonewalling begins.

The AEDP resource I use most often with therapy clients is known as the Change Triangle (see below):
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Behind the walls

Using Jake as our example, a critical part of our work together will be learning what defenses have formed throughout his life that block access to his emotions. As Hillary Jacobs Hendel defines them, defenses are “anything we do to avoid feeling core or inhibitory emotions.” Defenses can be anything from Netflix to knitting - not that these things are bad, just that they can be subtle ways of tuning out emotional cues.

A critical moment in therapy is when a client notices, perhaps for the first time, how their defenses served them in the past, but now feel outdated.

A critical moment in therapy is when a client notices, perhaps for the first time, how their defenses served them in the past, but now feel outdated. Like trying to run an out-of-date operating system on a new computer, defenses need to be brought into the present. Some clients even find it useful to thank their past defenses for their service before asking them to step aside for new, healthier coping mechanisms to be used.

As defenses come down, clients often become more aware of their Inhibitory Emotions: shame, guilt, and anxiety. These upper level emotions can arise in response to our Core Emotions becoming activated: Sadness, Fear, Disgust, Joy, Anger, Excitement, and Sexual Excitement.

A poignant example of how this can occur comes from the days of lockdowns. Picture a little girl at home with her parents. Quarters are cramped, her parents are on edge, and all work, school, and play has to happen within those four walls. And yet, as children so often can, this little girl has found joy. Her playtime erupts into a story she just has to tell her dad, so she races into the kitchen (his current work space) and with all the exuberance and none of the situational awareness, she blurts out her story. The dad’s work call is interrupted, and he responds harshly. Incapable of regulating himself in that moment, he erupts verbally and sends her to her room.

The little girl’s excitement resulted in feeling disconnected from one of her primary caregivers. Her brain may make sense of the experience in subtle yet harmful ways. And if a series of events like this one takes place repeatedly, or one carries enough intensity with no ability to cope after, this little girl’s learning mind will connect her excitement with anxiety (this feels dangerous), guilt (I’ve done something wrong), or shame (something is wrong with me).‍

Free to feel, free to choose

What Jake and this little girl have in common is simple: both have what AEDP writer Hilary Jacobs Hendel calls Core Emotions that, when felt, paint their lives with colour. Turns out that, as a child, Jake was shamed for some of his passions and interests — primarily painting — and deemed  not “manly” enough. Reigniting those interests brings a fire into his eyes that had been too afraid to be expressed when our work began.

by feeling his feelings (fear about pursuing a career change, for example), he can make a values-informed choice that will better his life.

With time and practice, Jake becomes more attuned to his inner life. He pauses before big decisions and asks himself a Dr. Hillary McBride staple: “What path would I choose if I knew I would be emotionally okay after the decision?” If this question was asked before Jake and I had done preliminary work, Jake would have scoffed. However, now he sees that by feeling his feelings (fear about pursuing a career change, for example), he can make a values-informed choice that will better his life.

The bottom section of the Change Triangle resource highlights the rewards we reap from accessing our Core Emotions.I’ve lost count of the clients who, after finally allowing the tears (of joy or grief) to flow, gain a sense of autonomy and freedom in living their lives their way. Confidence in all its forms — boundary-setting, reflection, self-esteem — blossoms when emotion is felt rather than feared.