There is a legend, said to have Indigenous origins, where an elder is passing along wisdom to a young person: 

‍“There is a war going on inside of me,” The elder says. “A war between two wolves. One wolf is anger, fear, regret, jealousy, chaos, inferiority, sorrow, isolation, and superiority. The other wolf is love, peace, hope, wisdom, humility, kindness, generosity, courage, and compassion. This same war is going on inside you too – and every other person who walks this earth.” 

‍The young person considers this for a moment and then asks the elder, “Which wolf will win?” 

‍The elder responds simply, “Whichever wolf you feed.” 

This insightful legend invites us to consider the power we wield to choose where we focus our energy and our attention, and to choose which impulses and inclinations we nurture. With so much complexity around us, it is worthwhile to remember the simple power within each of our grasps to feed our good wolf. To that end, I’d like to offer up some practical ways we can nourish the good within each of us. 

Feed courage

Freedom from the fear of stepping forward

Our cultural pictures of courage are often big and loud. But for most of us, our day to day lives require all kinds of courage. The seemingly simple act of asking for help is itself an act of great courage. I have worked with many individuals navigating challenging relationships; they have had to access significant inner courage in order to identify their own needs and then again to articulate those needs to their partner. Each of those small steps is deeply significant. They not only foster greater understanding and connection within a relationship, but they also reveal how small intentional acts are often what pave the way for the larger steps we take to shape the life that we desire.

small intentional acts are often what pave the way for the larger steps we take to shape the life that we desire.

It is always a joy to see people acting in courage, speaking up for what they need, and courageously listening to their partner’s responses as well. I do believe that having the courage to take one small step is what allows us to move into the future we've always wanted. I love the quote, “The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step” and it's always such a gift to be able to support people as they bravely walk those first steps forward.

Do just one thing

I know someone who has a mantra of ‘Just One Thing.’ This saying keeps her from feeling overwhelmed and gives her the courage to do the small thing that is right in front of her. Success at one small thing acts a bit like a domino, where she can feel productive now, and then can look up and see that there may be “Just one (more) thing.” It makes progress manageable rather than overwhelming. I love that invitation to do just one thing!  Is there one small step that you can bravely take to feed your courageous wolf?

Feed wisdom

Freedom from indecision and uncertainty

People will often connect with my practice when they feel a sense of uncertainty, confusion, or even frustration in their present moment or circumstances. Figuring out how to move towards the future they want can feel really muddled and uncertain. One of the ways that we work together to help them access clarity is just creating space to tune in and listen to their inner wisdom. Taking the time to notice and articulate our deepest hopes and dreams can help grant us the clarity we need to see what is most important. 

Peace doesn’t always mean the absence of a storm, but it does involve feeling anchored and safe even in the midst of it.

Clarity and calm in the eye of the storm

One of the greatest gifts of therapy I have seen is that it intentionally removes us from the chaos of our lives and creates an Eye of the Storm where we can experience a sense of calm. This is something I see time and again as we create a sacred space where people feel safe, heard and understood. Sometimes the simple act of having space and time to listen to their body allows them to consider impressions in their imaginations of where each road might lead them, and eventually to see the path that they want to take. We all have inner wisdom; sometimes we just need space and time to find clarity and access that deep well. Peace doesn’t always mean the absence of a storm, but it does involve feeling anchored and safe even in the midst of it. 

Where is your safe place? Can you take a moment to access this even now in your mind, creating your own Eye of the Storm in the midst of chaos, where you can observe and respond with peace, calm, and non-reactivity? How might you create space to listen to your inner wisdom to see more clearly the future that you want to move towards?

Feed compassion

Freedom from judgement and criticism

I find it interesting that quite often, our loudest inner voice is the one that is critical and demanding. Sometimes it feels like that voice’s intention is to kick our butts into action. However, it can also feel quite deflating and, rather than motivate us into action, it can push us into a shame spiral. If we can turn down the volume of that critical voice and turn up the volume on a more compassionate and kind one, that shift actually helps to motivate us towards empowered action.  

Moving toward kindness and grace

It’s such a gift creating space for clients to experience greater self-compassion; to observe as they grow in the ability to acknowledge their own pain and see how they're interconnected with all of humanity in that pain. To express kindness toward themself (sometimes after years of constant self-criticism) and to offer kindness to others in the pain that they're experiencing as well. 

When we access self-compassion, it allows us to exchange judgement and criticism of self and others for an embrace of a more generous view of self and others. Do you speak to yourself the way you speak to a dear friend? What would it take to practice self-compassion in the midst of your struggles and give yourself and others grace? 

Feed confidence

Freedom from self-doubt

I have - and love - this image I use in my practice of operating out of a titanium core; of having this immovable centre within us that helps us stay aligned with our values, our beliefs, and our innate worth. I love helping clients to see that in themselves, and to operate out of a confidence that they are worthy to be treated with respect and love and care. The confidence they develop within themselves helps them to treat others with the same respect, care and concern.

True confidence doesn't grow out of a personal mantra repeated in front of a mirror (maybe it could help?) but rather from seeing ourselves rightly, and seeing others rightly as well.

You are worthy of love and belonging

I remember laughing with someone about the Saturday Night Live Stuart Smalley skit from the 90s where he sat in front of the mirror and said “I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me.” True confidence doesn't grow out of a personal mantra repeated in front of a mirror (maybe it could help?) but rather from seeing ourselves rightly, and seeing others rightly as well. The confidence to acknowledge that I may make mistakes and I am imperfect, but I am also worthy of love. That at my core, there is goodness. What strengths and values do you hold deeply? How can you celebrate that worthiness to be loved and cherished in yourself?

Feed connection 

Freedom from isolation and loneliness

Asking for help is never easy – but it is amazing to ask for help from others and see that they are in your corner, rooting for your success. As a helper, it can be humbling to acknowledge that I need help, too, but I’m learning the value of asking for support as I need it (As a therapist, I see my own therapist!) I think we have this inaccurate and unrealistic view of interdependence as unhealthy dependence —and that couldn't be further from the truth. While codependency is not healthy, interdependence is actually this beautiful way of being that acknowledges that I can stand on my own two feet and when I'm solid in myself then I can reach towards another and connect. 

True connection allows us to be able to reach out and embrace in a way that allows us to feel seen, heard, and understood in a healthy and grounded way.

Interdependence and asking for help

I often share this image of a healthy relationship where each individual is firmly rooted and grounded on their own two feet. In this posture, each partner can reach out and embrace the other. If one person rocks or shifts, both don’t tumble, as the other can remain firmly grounded. However, if we are leaning into our partner expecting the other person to hold us up, if that person rocks or shifts, we both tumble. True connection allows us to be able to reach out and embrace in a way that allows us to feel seen, heard, and understood in a healthy and grounded way. 

Acknowledging that asking for help takes courage is a helpful first step. This highlights the interconnectedness of our humanity and the beauty of involving others in our life journey. Is there a person with whom you feel safe where you could reach out and extend help or humbly ask for help? 

Feeding the good wolf can feel a bit daunting at times, but there are so many small ways we can move towards feeding and strengthening our courage, wisdom, compassion, confidence, and connection. What are some steps you might take to move into greater freedom and nourish your good wolf? 

‍For further reading, check out IFS-institute.com’s “8 C’s of Self”.